If you speak to people who know something about NLP, most are highly enthusiastic and deeply curious about its possibilities. Every now and then, and particularly in early training experiences someone will voice the question:

   “I’ve heard that NLP is manipulative; is it?”

      or

   "...it can also be used against someone’s will, can’t it?”

And a common answer you will here from an NLP trainer is:

   “Yes, I guess it can, because NLP is a series of tools. And tools can be used for good or ill.”

Let's explore this answer further.

NLP as a set of tools 

Is a knife a beneficial tool? Yes.
Could it hurt someone if badly used? Yes.
Could it be used deliberately to harm? Yes.

Is speaking well a useful tool? Yes.
Will it increase your influence? Yes.
Could it be used to influence others negatively? Yes.

NLP is learning. Learning can be used for good or ill.
And a little learning can be a dangerous thing.

If you give a stranger £1000 because she smiles at you and asks for it – well then, you might be being manipulated by someone with a bag of NLP skills.

Don’t blame the smile. Blame the intention behind it.

Don’t stop smiling or pass a law to stop smiling.

With NLP as with all our thoughts and actions in life, intention is everything.

Manipulation or Influence?

Let’s go back the heart of NLP. In our last newsletter we answered the question “What is it?”, and here’s another take. It’s about modeling excellence: observing how someone demonstrates excellence in any field (you can also model how not to do something), and then finding the essential patterns and breaking it down into individual skills and attitudes that can be learned by others.

So how does that work?

I met someone who was very good at empathizing and helping me feel capable when I was down. Through observation and questioning, I discovered that he made me feel comfortable at first by matching my energy. He was very observant: he noticed that my skin colour was half a shade paler than usual, and that there was a tightness around my mouth. He then very gently opened up possibilities for me. There were various things that he did not do: he didn’t tell me he knew exactly how I was feeling, he didn’t launch into the account of a similar situation of his own, he didn’t pile advice on me.

Someone came to me who lacked natural empathy with his wife, and wanted to acquire it. I passed on these same skills I had learned – of matching, of observation and so on. The next time he came home from work, he artificially matched his wife’s state of mind and gestures, and talked in a similar way to her. He could scarcely believe when she seemed to respond so positively to his new behaviour. The evening went really well, and she told him she felt particularly close to him that evening. (this is a true story by the way). He felt wonderfully close to her as well, and was thrilled to have opened up a new way to relate more successfully to her. He began to understand how empathy works. Their marriage improved in further ways over the weeks and months.

He learned new skills. If he had lacked the genuine intention to become closer to his wife, he could have used his newly acquired tools to manipulate her. But equally, someone who is naturally empathetic can abuse their instinctive skills too.

How NLP combats manipulation

Let’s take a second example. A sales person came to my door. I am usually wary of such people, but this person was so charming, friendly and un-pushy, that I found myself signing on the dotted line for a monthly toll to the local pizzeria for a certain quota of discounted meals. When the sales person had gone, I discovered on reading the small print that the deal was a really poor one, and I felt cheated: doubly cheated in fact because the sales person had been so charming. That person used their charm skills to their own end. They used me!

Wise up! you might say! And here NLP comes to your aid as well. If you learn to share another person’s skills, you discover the elements of what they are doing. Then you can learn to tell the difference between real and feigned. You can use your observational skills to spot the difference between the shining eyes of a genuine smile and the steely eyes of a manipulative one. You can hear the difference in vibration between a heart-felt statement and a faked one. You can detect the difference between positive and manipulative intention.

We are being manipulated...

There is a real need in the twenty first century with all its mass communication and spin for more tools to detect the difference between genuine and manipulative communication. NLP helps us to do this by honing our sensory acuity.
 

 

The history of the word, manipulation, reminds us that influence is all about intention. It starts life as a fine word back in the eighteenth century: "a method of digging ore"; “the skilful handling of objects” in the nineteenth century, soon extending to “the skilful handling of people”. It is only in our own century that it acquires the derogatory slant of “unfair control”, “controlling to one’s own advantage”.

Manipulating your own experience

John McKenna tells the story of a consultant who is asked to come and look at a business because it is full of ‘assholes’. Only, he can’t find any. The board are astounded because you only have to look round the board room to see how obvious it is that there are ‘assholes’ everywhere. They call the consultant to account. The consultant admits that he is manipulative – has done the manipulation training and everything. As a result he gets on fine with everyone – even when they are introduced to him as ‘assholes’. The trick he says is not to behave as if you think they are ‘assholes’, otherwise you only notice when they do ‘asshole’ things. So now he blatantly manipulates what well meaning people tell him about the failings of others, takes people as he finds them, and as a result meets much fewer ‘assholes’ in his life.

We all act through our own perceptions of experience, so we are all manipulative in a way.

The 4 R's of Manipulation

Genie Laborde's excellent 'Influencing with Integrity' lists the four R's of manipulation:

• Resentment

• Recrimination

• Remorse

• Revenge

"Those executives who rise by undercutting others are visible for a
short time, then they disappear from the corporate scene"

Influencing with Integrity, p21

 

Even when you experience manipulation, fortunately we all tend to have the natural sense to recognise the signs after a short while and the manipulator is often the one who suffers the most.

NLP offers tools to help us align our desired outcomes with others in a positive way and 'Influencing with Integrity' is an excellent source of tools and concepts to do just that. Another great Christmas present.

 

So how have the concept of 'influence' and 'manipulation' been useful to us in our own lives?

 

Judy's experience

Well, one thing I learned was to ‘manipulate’ my ‘first response’ and not to leap in with boisterous enthusiasm when others were in a quiet mood, but to start off quieter at such times to fit in with how they were. I found that others were far more communicative when I was quieter, and I enjoyed easier more flowing relationships.

Another thing I learned was how to ‘manipulate’ my state of mind, by focusing my attention on what genuinely was working in my life, rather that on my many worries about what might go wrong. The result was increased confidence, and more people wanting to hang around me as I no longer came across as negative and was more fun to be with.

John's experience

A long time ago (not long enough for my comfort) I learnt that my judging people and trying to manipulate them to change was pointless and only served to consolidate other peoples beliefs. The harder I pushed - the greater the resistance.

I've learnt through experience and the wisdom inherent in NLP and coaching that the only way to bring about positive change is to start with yourself and let go of the need for others to change. I hope now I can (most of the time) fully accept people as they are which in turn creates an environment of greater choice and freedom in my work with others. A never ending journey of course - I'm only human, don't judge me too harshly...

So ‘yes!’ we say enthusiastically!  If manipulation is the handling of gold dust, let’s “dig more ore”! And don’t throw out the baby “influence” with the bath water!

And a final story:

I heard a lovely tale on the radio the other day. This story has more to do with 'reframing' experience than manipulation. Perhaps you can work out why this story comes to mind while writing this newsletter. Feel free to not be manipulated into a sense of curiosity and amusement...

A voice artist for audio books (Jacqueline King) was being interviewed about the process of creating audio books for the blind on the radio 4 programme 'In Touch'. She was asked if she ever had trouble working up the enthusiasm for recording specific books. She replied:

"Years and years ago, I did a Mills and Boons book that I found absolutely offensive and I remember wanting to throw it against the wall. Somebody at the time, an engineer, said; 'well you must give somebody who can't read for themselves the opportunity to throw the tape against the wall'. And I thought that was such a fair comment I never ever felt tempted to refuse ever again..."

 

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